The inevitable

I remember talking about the sukdulang posibilidad in my Philosophy class in Ateneo. It was a time of grief for me when we broached that topic. My Auntie Char had just passed away and I was in mourning. Oddly enough, I found ruminating about death in philo class oddly comforting. It even helped me cope.

If I am not mistaken, it was Heidegger who wrote of it. The ultimate possibility. Of all the events that could possibly happen, death is the only one that will ultimately BE. It is inevitable. We all pass away eventually so instead of running from it, we have to face it.

If I take death into my life, acknowledge it, and face it squarely, I will free myself from the anxiety of death and the pettiness of life – and only then will I be free to become myself.
Martin Heidegger

Tita Gina passed away at dawn today.

Finally, after months of undergoing constant surgery, she is at peace. Haaaaaaay. I was dreading it but I knew it had to happen soon. Yes, there was that sense of security knowing she was still alive, even if it was just barely. She was still there. But we just had to let her go. Let her be at peace.

The last few weeks I saw her fight to hold on…I was even hoping she would still be with us at Christmas but it wouldn’t have been a celebration knowing that she is in pain. I think the hardest part about everything that went on the past month is seeing her in that weak state. Because Tita has always been one of the strongest people I know…And she still is. Even to the end.

Now I know she is finally in a better place…It doesn’t change the fact that I am missing her terribly but in a way, I am comforted by the fact that she won’t have to struggle anymore. I miss you Tita and I will always love you. Wherever you are, I wish you nothing but peace and happiness. You lived a full life..

Twilight

My sister Mina got us reserved Twilight tickets last week. After seeing the trailer a gazillion times (which in my movie-deprived world equals 5 actual views), we finally got to watch it today.

It was…it just WAS. Having read the book, I was quite disappointed with how the movie turned out. Well, I always end up liking the book better than the movie anyway (save for The Devil Wears Prada) but this one really tanked for me.

I give them props for actually getting Forks right and Kristin Stewart captured how I pictured Bella to be (well I was hoping she’d be more feisty but they got the look right) AND of course I have to say that Robert Pattinson was sweet eye candy as Edward…but that’s pretty much all I liked about it.

Pattinson looked the part but the way they developed his character didn’t really do it for me. He also looked awkward in a lot of the vampire scenes. Like when he was “perched” up on that tree branch. It kinda reminded me of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings. Haha I’m being mean!

It’s just that the Edward in my mind…well, he sorta glided. Hahaha! I pictured him to be this darkly elegant brooding guy and as I tend to go overboard when it comes to my imagination, maybe my imagined version was just too unreal to be captured on film. And all the hype about it further heightened my expectations. So when I finally saw it today in Greenbelt, I was pretty disappointed.

By the time we left the theater, three words came to mind: Bah. Bite me. (Edward in my mind, yes you may )

Hmmm. Maybe it would’ve been better if I watched it on dibidi.

Finding answers isn’t everything

Ever since I signed up for Jane Powell’s Daily Meditation, I’ve been amazed at how every daily passage hits me spot on. Like today’s for instance.

The reason my head’s this close to exploding is because I’ve been expecting answers to questions like why THIS is happening. And no matter how much I dissect and inspect every single possibility…I just can’t. Sometimes you really just can’t explain why things are happening to you. You just have to let all the analyzing go and just trust that this is part of a bigger picture.

Letting go. God it’s easier said than done but damn it, I think I really have to do it. I have to accept and let go. I’m just scared that once I do, the thing I dread the most will happen. Aaaargh.

Just trust. Ayayay.

Happy happy joy joy

I’m so thankful I’ve been getting breathers from my current home situation the past two days. I really needed it because I’ve been on the very verge of seeing my head explode after spending day after day after day waiting for something that I would rather not mention. Sigh. I don’t even want to entertain that nagging sense of guilt that comes with not going to the hospital. I am just dealing. Hay.

Anyway this will be a happy post

The other day I attended the reunion of LEAP 37 and it was a blast. We had a luau party on top of the Imperial Suites near ABSCBN and, as with most luau parties, we ended up being thrown into the pool with our clothes on. And I got to be one of the firsts. I was sitting by the stairs minding my own business when Mia (who looks a lot like my friend Alet) suddenly came over and announced that it was time for me to get wet. I vehemently objected but she had the rest of the party with her to manhandle me into the pool so I ended up very much drenched.

It was actually a blessing because earlier that evening, Ric poured beer all over me during a drinking game. I wanted to kill him but the night was not ripe for murder. Too many witnesses. Wehehe. Kidding. And thank goodness I had extra clothes!

Anyway, it was such a joy to be there. It was great seeing everyone again after being MIA for more than a month.

Here’s a pic of us before we all jumped (or got dragged and dumped) into the pool:

And here is a picture of us after:

Dry or drenched, we are all still a bunch of camwhores. Haha!

*sigh*

I needed this. I needed to get dumped into the pool. Blow off some steam. Be distracted. Escape escape escape.

Anyway.

I also had fun food-tripping with Z today.

I was set on having a day off from my looming depression by spending an entire day at the mall but it wasn’t meant to be because, well, just because. By the time I got to the hospital I was feeling suffocated and I swear my head was literally pounding. It was such a relief when he texted me saying he was going to pick me up to take me away. I always have a blast hanging out with him. We talk about everything, even girly stuff. Check him out:

We ended up eating Chinese food in Greenhills. Yay! MSG overload is the perfect cure for the blues!

—

It feels really good to post an upbeat entry for a change.

Christmas

I’m currently downloading Christmas songs for my ipod. I’m thinking of bringing my speakers to the hospital where my aunt is confined. Maybe the holiday cheer will comfort her. Maybe it will get to her somehow. Because the last time I saw her conscious was a little over a week ago when her sisters were here.

I still can’t comprehend the fact that this is very much real. I still feel as if I am transported into a hospital scene in a really heavy drama. I feel like this is all one big nightmare that my family will soon wake up from. And when we do, everything will be back to normal.

You know that song, Have yourself a merry little Christmas? It has this line…through the years we all will be together…if the fates allow…

I am praying this year that line will still hold true for me and my family. Especially for my cousins…Just give us this one more Christmas with her…

minesweeper

I’ve been a minesweeper addict ever since I discovered the technique of playing it. And the credit goes to my friend and sensei Cel, who’s always been a bad influence. Hehe kidding.

So far my best time has been 80 seconds for the advanced level and I haven’t topped it since. I remember it was back in college when instead of studying for my exams or finishing my papers, I would be killing time playing minesweeper. My excuse was that I needed to release stress. Minesweeper did none of that. It just enabled me to be even more bangag than I already was.

I could play minesweeper and not notice that it has been 3 hours since I started the game. It’s this obsession I have about beating my latest record. I’m my own enemy. I even give myself ridiculous challenges like aiming to beat my record while drunk or after having gone 24 hours without sleep. I sometimes make bets and deals with myself while playing the game. Like, I won’t take a shower for two days if I don’t beat me. Or if I don’t win, I’m going to deprive myself of a week’s worth of my favorite cereal brand at that time.

It was Coco Crunch.

There. Just another one of my quirks.

I don’t play as much now. I even sold the computer that held my best minesweeping time. I’m afraid that if I awaken the three hundred pound gorrilla (read: minesweeper), I’d be obssessed again. And that’s the last thing I want happening especially now that I have all the time in the world. Tempting but no, thank you.

Hehe.

Ciao!

Cologne is flammable

Yes, a third grader might have already known that. But I didn’t until tonight. Okay, I’m lying.

I’ve always wanted to test that but I didn’t get a chance to until tonight when I helped my friend, uh, burn something. Hehe.

I think there is an inner pyro in me. I’ve always loved playing with fire. And I mean that literally. Every time I go to the bathroom to do what normal people do in bathrooms (makes you wonder, right?), I light up half a box of matches. Fire has always been something that fascinates me. I love watching things burn. And I especially love the smell of freshly lit matches.

If I were a criminal mastermind, fire would probably be my weapon of choice.

When the time comes for me to cross over to the other side, I’d prefer cremation. However, I do not relish the thought of burning to death. Burning AFTER is okay. NOT before. Just so we’re clear.

Wala lang. I love writing pseudo philosophical nonsense.

EVOLution

If all else fails..

What happened tonight was utterly heartbreaking.

I had just finished my first boxing training (I think I found the exercise for me) when I got a call from my sister telling me that everybody was heading to the hospital because my cousins and uncle will talk to my tita to tell her they were ready. I was confused at first. Ready for what? And then she told me they were going there to tell tita that she didn’t have to hold on for them anymore. That they were ready for whatever will happen.

I honestly do not know what to say. I can’t imagine how it must feel to be in that situation…to say those words to your mom. I can’t imagine how my grandmother must be feeling too…seeing her eldest daughter at her weakest. I’m not a mother yet but even just the thought of it scares me. I can’t imagine how it must be for my mom and other titas. To see their eldest sister like that. And I can’t imagine how tito must be feeling. Seeing his wife fight for her life. I just can’t.

…

I’ve always thought things like these happen only in the movies. That something like this would not come near any member of my family. Haaay.

I know every single experience is meant to teach us something. And almost always, the lesson for me has always been about love. If there is one single entity that binds me and my family at this particular moment, I think it’s our love for her. We have our differences (and boy do we have plenty of it) but at the end of the day, we’re all feeling what we’re feeling now because of how much we love my aunt. How we’re coping…well we each have our own way of dealing with it. Hay. Maybe this is also the reason why some of us tend to resent others because their coping mechanism is different from ours. I know mine has always been escapism. I know mommy clings to her praying. One of my cousins opt for distraction, anything to keep him from thinking about the reality of the situation. My mom asks for constant updates. Daddy (my lolo)…he’s always been the strong, silent type. He’s always just there.

We all deal with it differently.

But really. At the end of it all, love. If all else fails…if prayers still go unanswered, if all the medical procedures in the world can’t seem to do the trick, if feigning indifference is not working anymore, if escapism is leading you right back where you started…I think it really will lead to you just loving. And I think that’s what my aunt needs to feel the most now. Just love.

I love you Tita Gina.

Praying

My aunt gave us quite the scare today.

My grandmother and I went to UST to visit her and as we drew near her room, we saw a flock of people in white slowly coming out of it. It wasn’t really a courtesy call because they were her doctors. And they were reviving her after her blood pressure took a sudden nosedive. Her caregiver, Lilian, told us she was feeling fine earlier in the morning but that she sensed something wrong with my aunt that the latter wasn’t mentioning. She fell asleep and Lil told us that she was mumbling something in her dream about running into something and that was when the sudden bout of LBP happened.

They transferred her to the ICU and, thank God, she is stable again now.

More than seeing my aunt in pain, what breaks my spirit more is seeing how everybody is feeling about it. My grandmother promptly burst into sobs and prayer, my older cousin whom I hardly saw crying suddenly broke down, and my tita’s husband was repeatedly reporting what the doctors’ findings were after her 2D Echo maybe for the sake of maintaining a sense of calm.

I, on the other hand, just stared at the floor as if my life depended on it.

Tragic moments like these do not sit well with me. I would rather pretend it isn’t happening. Of course, you can’t really go on pretending forever. Eventually I too will act out. But not right now. I don’t want to give in to despair. I think part of me is still in denial about the gravity of the situation. Well, not really. Maybe I’m just deliberately choosing to be in that space. Maybe that’s also the reason why I have been secretly resisting all these ideas of faith healers, relics of saints meant to heal tita, novenas offered for her, etc etc.

I don’t want to accept it. I don’t want to accept the fact that it really might have to take a miracle to heal her.

It’s just not fair. It was supposed to have gone already. The first operation some three years ago was supposed to be the first and last. It did not have to come back.

Maybe it really is time I start praying…

I’ve decided to start boxing

Mainly to release stress.

Ever since my spat with my uncle, I’ve been feeling out of sorts. Even more moody than usual. I think I’m regressing to the old me and I don’t like it because I’ve been taking it out on someone who totally doesn’t deserve it.

I suppose you could say boxing is damage control. I’ve always been a bit too emotional for my own good and it often leads to me making my bitchiness and kasungitan felt by the person I am always with. So this week I’m buying myself new gloves, hand wraps and I’m signing up for boxing at the Elorde gym nearest my cousin’s condo. I inquired earlier and their rates come in quite cheap. Perfect.

On a lighter note, I’m glad he got to meet my best friend. I tell her everything and she knew about the whole deal between us and I found it really sweet to see him all awkward when I introduced them. LOL we all ended up having fun hanging out. I find it really nice how he’s slowly getting to know me outside LEAP. Because the real me is not contained within that community and it’s high time he truly finds out who I am. Good, bad, pretty, ugly, angry, happy, psychotic, impulsive. REAL.

And if I could borrow the lines uttered by Juno’s dad, I’m happy to say that he still thinks the sun shines right out of my ass. And I really do think he’s a guy worth sticking with.

He says I manage to surprise him every time.

Voila.

I’ve shifted from being frustrated to being sentimental in a matter of minutes. Hahaha.